1st Pregnancy and Miscarriage

Feburary - March, 2005

Somewhat less enthusiastic this time, I was not going to test until I knew for sure that my period was late. When AF didn't show on it's expected date, off to walmart it was, this time yeilding a "easy digital" test. I was not going to spend another eternity staring at a test in hopes of a second line.

The next morning, after reading the instructions 5 times, I performed the test. This time, I did better about not staring. A little blinking picture of a test assured me that the test was analyzing. I brushed my teethe and tried to keep myself distracted during that time, but it was hard to keep from peeking. Finally, when the alloted time was up, I looked at the test. I nearly fell over when I saw that it read "Pregnant"! I excitedly showed the test to TJ, who showed less enthusiasm than I'd hoped, but still seemed happy. I wasn't going to let his reaction bother me. I was pregnant!

The rest of the day I spent in a dreamlike state. By the end of the day I'd already planned out how the nursery would look and had imagined myself taking a stoll to the park pushing a baby stroller with our bundle of joy. It would be perfect. We would be a perfect family.

The following 2 weeks were filled with excitment and joy and TJ and I shared our good news with nearly everone we knew. Although there were times that the thought of miscarriage tainted our excitement, I was far to happy to let that stop me.

However, at 6 weeks 3 days, the unimaginable happened. There was staining on my toilet paper. The 12 hours to follow were filled with fear, anxiety, many prayers, and lots and lots of crying. We miscarried our very much wanted baby. The thought that kept running through my head was, that this kind of thing isn't supposed to happen to healthy 21 year olds! Miscarriages were for old women with health problems. Not me!

The next 5 months were very hard. I cried myself to sleep for weeks and weeks. Every time I saw a pregnant woman or a woman with a baby, the floodgates opened anew. Why did my baby have to die? Why couldn't I carry mine to term? What is wrong with me? Why? Why? Why?