Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Tainted Joy

To share our good news with the family, I printed copies of the ultrasound photo and we gave them to family members in person. Everyone was very happy for us, but I think our previous miscarriages have tainted their joy. Neither we, or our families can truly rejoice in this news because there is always that risk, that lingering worry.

I find myself envious of those women who have never suffered miscarriage. Those women who can joyfully believe that a positive pregnancy test really means they'll have a baby. They say ignorance is bliss. I know firsthand, why that is. If I'd never had a miscarriage I would be able to truly enjoy this pregnancy in blissful igrorance. But that's not my case. Instead, I am filled with worry. I have nightmares of another miscarriage. I worry about every pothole in the road. Is that going to cause a miscarriage?

I am working hard at trusting God and knowing that whatever happens is in His will, but it's hard. I've wanted this baby for so long, it's hard to just let go and trust in the Lord. But I must. In time, I will.

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